Husband-Hunting on the Enterprise
Those photos reminded me of a great comedy act Kris Smith delievered at conventions in the 90s that she is graciously letting me reprint here. When discussing her routine, Kris said, "I asked Carolyn's (Mrs. Kelley's) permission to 'lust' (comically) after her husband's alter ego before presenting the routine. I submitted the routine to her in advance. She giggled and laughed all the way through and then said, 'Go ahead, Kris! It's terrific.' So there was no reason for me to fear a phaser blast from the area of the auditorium where Mrs. DeForest Kelley sat. Quite a lady!"
Author of DeForest Kelley: A Harvest of Memories
Husband-Hunting on the Enterprise
Stand-Up Comedy Routine Presented in Oakland, Denver and Baltimore in the 1990's
(© 1988-2006 by Kristine M. Smith)
I love being among Star Trek fans. It's better than being anywhere else -- on Earth. The only conceivably better place to be would be aboard the Starship Enterprise. I'd go find me a husband. And who would it be, out of all those eligible hunks?
Captain Kirk? Not on your life. He has a lady behind every bulkhead. I'd always be wondering why he wasn't home yet. I mean, it's his JOB, isn't it -- up here, running this ship? No! His job is down on the planet, with the most beautiful woman in the galaxy! He has never landed on an ugly woman planet yet! He gets one in his sights and says, "No way! Prime Directive! No interference! Beam us outta here!"
Mr. Spock? Unlike Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock is only "in the mood" once every seven years! And then it is not exactly moonlight and roses! Can you imagine living with a man who will tell you for nearly a decade running, "Not tonight dear... I have -- other priorities." A human woman would go stark raving MAD living under those conditions! "Check back in 3.7 years." And what about Vulcan foreplay? (Show the mutual rubbing of two fingers.) I waited seven years for this?!
Mr. Sulu? Cute little devil, isn't he? But he has a tendency to want to play Lancelot at unpredictable intervals and when he isn't doing that, he's jogging, or doing karate, or cutting up in botany... And I don't know how long I could take that crazy laugh!
Mr. Chekov? Vell, he vouldn't be bad -- but your kids would all talk funny... and if you ever said or did anything to anger or upset him, you could be deafened -- or given cardiac arrest -- by that blood-curdling scream of his! I'd have to give him a ten for his Gleem smile, though...
Scotty? Aye, Scotty's a darlin' of a man, isn't he? But he has a bit of a self-image problem. He's forever telling the Captain he cannot possibly do what needs to be done in the time they have left to save the ship from imminent and total destruction. You'd be up half of every night giving HIM self-esteem lessons!
Well..... I guess you know who I'm after. Uh-huh.... Ol' Blue Eyes. Leonard H. McCoy. The H stands for Hallmark, because Starfleet cared enough to send the very best. Now, I may be prejudiced, but McCoy is charming, gallant, a gentleman... and his ethics are beyond refute... plus the fact that he has a nice little tush and the sexiest lower lip in the galaxy. I realize these last items are non-essentials, but they do add up!
So, if I was beaming aboard the Enterprise hoping to find somebody's boots under MY bed, they'd have to be McCoy's. Just imagine it: free medical check-ups as many times a week as you wanted them! Be still, my heart!
Since I am so crazy about McCoy, I have a major gripe with the writers of Star Trek. They gave Kirk about every eligible female that came along. And the celibate, cerebral Mr. Spock had somebody who wanted him every time he turned around. Unless he was approaching ponn farr, he'd react like: "I presume she TYPES, or does something useful?" Poor Chris Chapel: She was so gone over Spock, I'm amazed she didn't jump off a bridge railing and kill herself. Spock would have looked up from his console and gone, "Unfortunate..."
But McCoy... now here was a decent, good-looking man with normal "needs," shall we say? -- unattached -- who would probably have requited the unrequited and left the rest to Kirk. He was gentle, ethical, charming, and what did he get? ZIP! ZILCH! Oh, right... he did get Natira. Now, when that show came on, I thought we finally had something. But how come the writers only give him a girl when he can't sit up? He has xenopolycethemia in this one, and in "The Empath" he's all beat up the moment that you know Gem is crazy about him. I'm not making this up! Think about it! In "Shore Leave," instead of getting the girl, he gets a lance through the gizzard! In "Friday's Child" -- you know, the one where Eleyan decides that only MAC COY can touch her? -- she names her baby after him eventually, too -- but not before she spatters him with a rock, laying him out cold! And in the most recent example, The Search for Spock, McCoy goes into a bar and asks the waitress, “Anybody been lookin’ for me?” and the waitress says, “I have, but what’s the use?” WHAM! Within two minutes he’s flat on his back in detention! I tell ya, I don't know what the writers have against McCoy and women, but it's detrimental to his physical and emotional well-being!
Anyway, back to my gripe about the Natira story. He finally gets this beautiful woman, and I'm thinking, "AWRIGHT!" They get married. They exchange these lovely vows. I'm dabbing at my eyes and thinking, "Oh, how perfect. At long last, LOVE! At long last, HONEYMOON!"
But is Natira thinking “honeymoon” with this handsome devil she’s been kissing since she got her first chance? NO! Natira wants to show him The Book! I’m standing there and I’m screaming at her, “Wake up and smell the coffee! You have a great evening in the offing and you want to talk about a BOOK you haven’t even READ yet?!” I mean, where are this woman's priorities. This is HONEYMOON NIGHT, lady, Prime Time With Your Man! And McCoy seems just as happy to discuss the damned book as SHE is. He has 365 days before he kicks off, right? So what’s the rush?
Well, then I got mad at the writers again. I thought, "Who WROTE this blasted thing?!" Someone with hormones well in check, I can tell you that much! If it had been ME, it would have been called, "GEE, JUMPIN' BONES"! And it would have had a happier ending... and a sequel... and a spin-off...
Of course in those days Star Trek couldn’t get away with what television gets away with in these days. But I have news: for my money, the sexiest guy on the ship has always been and always will be Dr. Leonard H McCoy! Even at age 137, he had something special to share. He knew the Secret, and he told Data the very first time he spoke to him. He was talking about the Enterprise, but all of us McCoy maidens knew exactly what he meant -- he did, too! -- when he told Data: “Treat her like a lady -- and she’ll always bring you home..."
If you haven't ordered DeForest Kelley: A Harvest of Memories, you're running out of time, so you may just want to call the Publisher's Toll Free Order Line: 1-888-280-7715. Kris will only have ten copies on hand after her presentation Friday afternoon.